And why would we? Why would we want to loosen our hold on what is certain, even if it is certainly awful? We cling to old loves, old lives because we know them. We know the depths of them, have drifted to the very bottom of them, and we will not let them go - not for uncertainty, anyway. And everything is uncertain. Who would we be if we stopped missing who we were? Who we loved? We don't know, but to find out is a risk. We know that the hurt we have already experienced is survivable, because here we are: wounded but alive. To loosen even one finger from the clinging hold we have on the past is to surrender to uncertainty. We could love more, yes; we could discover new infinities if only we would let go of what we hold on to; but we could also stumble upon new hurt, more pain.
We could peel back our fingers, though; we could. Even though it scares us. Even though we were holding on much tighter than we thought. One by one we could peel back our fingers, until every little thing we held on to drifted from our hands and our lives and our memories. We could. And then our hands would be empty, and we wouldn't have to grab for the next available thing just so that we could be full. We could be empty for a while. We could approach everything open-handed. And what would happen then? It is a risk, but a beautiful, thrilling one, no?
I'm sure I've already posted this in one of your comments before but...
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOD I LET GO AND IM FREAKING OUT!
I let go. I quit my job and bought a one way ticket to Hawaii with no plan. I'm scared. There's nothing I can do about it now. When people at my job are asking me "did you get a better position?" "Did you get a job with more money?" I just say YES! and they congradulate me.
If only anyone knew...
Letting go has been on and off for two different categories of emotions:
1. Freaking out.
2. Freedom and acceptance.
Hopefully it all goes well. I'm blogging about my past travel experiences to psych myself out, and hopefully I'll be adding some new thoughts on my new adventure (just under 20 days away!)
If you want to come visit, my blog is: http://www.catherinstirbis.com/blog
:) Thanks for the good read. Have fun letting go.
That is so exciting!!! I can't wait to read all about it :)
DeleteReally meaningful post. I think it's human nature to want to survive and so we cling to our 'safety-nets', be that a job we know or a relationship, but life seems more fun when you take off the training wheels.
ReplyDeleteI feel this way every time I go back to Minnesota, or back to my hometown. I have so many old hurts, old loves...and honestly, so many of them are painful, but they're also comfortable. There is comfort, even in the pain, because I KNOW the pain, and it is a part of me, and I'm used to it. I get nostalgic for the pain every single time I revisit certain people and places, without fail. That's not to say the good stuff isn't a part of my nostalgia too, but the painful stuff is the most poignant.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written... Makes me all excited about letting go of the old and letting in the new. Thrilling indeed!
ReplyDelete"Wounded but alive", beautifully written. I love this post.
ReplyDeleteI once let go but we're back together after 3 years of being apart from each other. I let go, did lots of crazy things but back to old love! Same amazement!
Sweet. I chatted with an older woman in the airport once, and she told me her high school boyfriend wrote her a letter after 50 years! And now they've been travelling the world together for 10 years and are madly in love. Maybe all the really great things start with letting go first :)
Delete