Your Life Doesn't Have to Look like Anyone Else's

We hear it all time: follow your own path; don't listen to the haters. But  we often don't stop to consider if the choices we're making now are building the life we actually want.

Like, madly, passionately, desperately crave. 

While we can turn around at any point -- take the fork in the road, decide to abandon the road altogether -- we care about the work we put in. One of the biggest reasons we resist change is because we've worked so hard to get to where we are. Put so much of our measured time, our abundant but exhausting passion, our infinite selves into what our lives are now to just give it up for something new. Starting all over is a beginning we're too invested to contemplate. 

But, of course, our lives are actually a series of beginnings. We begin again all the time. Every time we make the choice to say a certain word or walk familiar paths, we're continuing the story of our lives. Which compromises of more middle than it does even beginnings. 

The way I ensure that I'm going to live/am living a middle I'm passionate about is to examine my beginnings. Are they the start of something electric or will I wake up one day in a life I created but did not imagine? 

I start with the goals I hold to be valuable or want to achieve in my lifetime. Some of them look a little like this:

1. I want to own my own business
2. I want to create art that is meaningful and beautiful and unrestrained
3. I want to significantly contribute to my parents finances in the future
4. I want to repay the people who financed my college years -- with money but also with the same inexhaustible generosity they've shown me 
5. I want to have a tribe of my people
6. I want to travel a lot for long periods of time

Noticeably missing from that list? Children or marriage. Just doesn't interest me, doesn't even factor into the top ten. Not right now, and maybe not ever, so my choices reflect that.

For some people their work is their art and for others their family is. Sometimes it is a line somewhere in the middle. I think our relationships are always our most gorgeous art, and if we're intentional, our work can be all about relationship -- making and breaking and evolving relationships. 

People are sometimes shocked when they hear about my lack of desire for children and they're even more shocked when I express my disinterest in marriage. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm never going to make any excuses for my choices and I'm going to keep creating a life that feels good.

So if you wanna give up a high-paying, everyone-would-kill-for-this job for a cabin in the mountains and a family? You can. If you want to dedicate your time to something that is so much more than a career, to something that is the expression of your truest self, your most meaningful contribution? You can. You want to move to the other side of the globe for the person you love? Or stay where you are for a life that fills you with inexhaustible joy? You can. You don't need permission and you don't have to make excuses. 

What does the life you imagine for yourself look like? Do your choices reflect that? 

Photo Credit: -mrsraggle-

Self-Doubt & Discovering My Value in Business

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I know my value as human being, and I rarely doubt it. My value is inherent and there is little, if anything, I can do to change that. That's the magic of being human. But translating that value into business? As in: I have value in these areas because I am good at them and not just because I exist and am therefore valuable? Well, I'm not so sure about that. 

I don't have enough evidence of my value in business yet to assuage my self doubt. Evidence in the form of praise and experience specifically. I have not yet heard enough people say "you are excellent at this; I want to pay you for it" for me to believe I am capable at what I want to do. Or that I even want to do it. Which, when I think about it, doesn't make sense. Wanting other people to convince me of my value opens up a hole in me that won't ever be filled. There won't be enough praise in the world to convince me of my value if I don't first believe I am valuable.

The same is true if I didn't believe I was valuable as a person. My relationships would suffer because I would constantly be looking for reassurance from others who can't possibly give me everything I need to feel whole. But how exactly do I translate my value as a person into my value as a writer? And how do I express that value in dollars? (This is the freelancers dilemma.)

This weekend, I got my first paid freelance assignment redoing the copy for a website. After the initial unadulterated joy and exclamations of "Finally! Someone is willing to pay for my work!", doubt began to creep in. I spent the entire weekend plagued by my inadequacies. Questioned every word I typed. Doubted their choice to hire me. 

I've been working my way through Danielle Laporte's "Firestarter Sessions" and she says (in different chapters) to both not do what's easy for you because you'll be stuck doing it for the rest of your life and to also do what's easy for you because that's where productivity lies. There's different kinds of easy, and she encourages the one that's led by inspiration. But I don't know what that is in my life or if I'm following the wrong kind of easy. And is writing easy for me?

It's easy in that I have a good grasp of grammar and years of reading have expanded my vocabulary. It's difficult in that I struggle over word choices, never believing that I've landed on the right one. Also, I've never written to sell anything. I know how to make you feel, but I do not know how you make you buy. The latter is how I get paid but I don't know how to do it with the poetry I love. 

...but I've begun to realize that the two aren't as separate as I think. Nor is my value as a person and my value as worker.They're connected because I bring myself to everything I do. My gift for storytelling translates into copy writing; people respond to stories not products. We want human beings to be clearly expressed in company's manifestos. And you know what? I'm an expert at being human and I express the human experience well. Sometimes I get all the words right.  

Turns out, they loved my work and offered me another opportunity. The relief I felt when I got that affirmation was overwhelming and important. It helped my confidence and told that nagging voice in my head to shut the eff up.

But it didn't immediately make me feel valuable.

Instead, I realized that the moment I took the job I was worthy of it. All the years I've spent writing, the internships, my time laboring over words was preparation for knowing that my value translates into paid work.  All the time I spent living, too. Who I am is part of what I offer. The only difference is that my person is invaluable while my work has a defined price tag.

Because as soon as I said I was writer and then, you know, actually wrote? I became a writer. It's faking it until you make it but it's also just doing it until you become it (or start to believe you are it). 

I think writing is the right kind of easy for me because it's still unfathomably hard at times and when I somehow -- by somehow I mean diligently rewriting until it is perfect -- craft the perfect phrase, it's the best kind of pleasure I've experienced professionally. 

Are you doing work you're passionate about? Is it the right kind of easy? 

In Which I Answer Lots of Questions

I never normally partake in any kind of blogger giveaways and awards, which probably demonstrates my general resistance to networking (even though I KNOW it's totally necessary). I've also never thought that any of those features fit what my blogs about. But Erika, CJ and Rachel nominated me for a Liebster award last week, and I can't ignore such nice gestures. So, onto the Liebsters!

Here's the basic rundown: 

• Acknowledge the blog that nominated you in a post. 

• Share 11 facts about yourself. 
• Answer the 11 questions the nominating blogger created. 
• Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers that you believe deserve some recognition. 
• Post 11 questions for them to answer. 

• Notify all the bloggers selected that they have been nominated. 
• And finally, you can't nominate the blog who nominated you.

So many 11's in that list I can't handle it. Instead of asking 11 bloggers 11 questions (as many of the bloggers I like have already been nominated), I'm just going to link to some of my favorite recent posts from around the internet (as Rachel suggested)! This way their great stuff gets recognized and no one has to answer anymore questions :) 

So, the questions! Here's more than you probably want to know about me. 

1. Why did you start blogging? 

I took a creative writing class and shared my writing for the very first time. I was amazed at all the positive reactions I got, so I decided to start a blog so I'd write more consistently and see if anyone else liked my writing, too! Of course, it's evolved into something quite different from what I originally intended. 

2. If a genie granted you three wishes that you could only use on yourself, what would they be and why? 

Right now, the only thing I can think to ask for is permanent residency and a job! If I had either of those things, a lot of pressure would be lifted off me...but a little pressure never killed anyone (right?!) I'm kind of glad I have to approach the next stage of my life a little more creatively. 

3. What's your favorite go-to snack? 

Hummus and cracker or apples and white chocolate peanut butter. 

4. Where's one place you never want to visit and why? 

I don't really have any interest in going to China because it seems insanely crowded. Saying that, a family member lived in Hong Kong for fifteen years and his photos look beautiful.   

5. Did you enjoy high school? Why or why not? 

I went to four different high schools (two in England and two in America) before doing my senior year online...so no, I didn't. That's too much high school for one person and, honestly, the similarities of every high school no matter what continent they're on is depressing. I was pretty excited when American high school was exactly how movies portrayed it, though! 

6. What do you believe your "calling" in life is? Do you believe in a "calling?" 

Writing in some form, but I haven't figured out exactly what form yet. I am really passionate about women. Is there another way to say that? Injustice against women makes me very angry and I feel an aching sadness every time I speak with a woman who doesn't know her worth or has lost her passion. I think language plays a very powerful role in healing; I'd like to contribute some beauty. 

7. Favorite guilty pleasure song and/or TV show? 

It's not really a guilty pleasure, but I really love Miguel and Mariah Carey's new song "beautiful". I watched the video for it and there's good reason to be embarrassed for liking it. I think Mariah Carey might be insane. 

8. Besides blogging, what's your favorite social media outlet and why? 

I love instagram, pretty photos! 

9. What's one of your proudest moments or accomplishments? 

This weekend my internship hired me to write the entire copy for one of our clients! It felt awesome to get paid to write (but I was also neurotic about it and put myself under a lot of impossible pressure). 

10. What are three qualities that are mandatory that your friends have? 

Mandatory is a bit of a strong word! But I think the people I surround myself with tend to be passionate, adventurous and funny. 

11. You can take a 12-day, all-inclusive vacation somewhere with three other people. Who do you pick and where do you go?

I would go to Peru, and I would go by myself. I want to hike Machu Picchu so bad and meet some monks. 

Sick of hearing about me, yet? Last 11 questions from CJ! 

What something you do in error that never fails to make you smile? 

I've known an Italian family for six years, lived with them for two, and I still spell their name wrong every single time. 
What does being authentic mean to you?

It means peace and passion and joy and freedom and a sense of belonging deep in my bones-- all at the same time. 

Do you like things scheduled or free form, take life as it comes?

I schedule everything, because when I don't I waste all of my time. I'll literally do nothing all day long. But I always crave the freedom of having no schedule! Maybe one day I'll figure out how to not over-schedule myself to the point of suffocation and still be productive. 

What is one thing you have changed about yourself for someone else then later changed back when you realized you preferred the original?

I can't think of what I changed specifically, but I used to date people who I literally had nothing in common with besides mutual attraction. I have no idea what we talked about. 

What is one thing you have changed about yourself just for yourself?

I became a vegetarian! Although, what I do and don't eat has changed since I first stopped eating meat a year ago. 

Who is your ICE on your cell (ICE = In case of emergency, call…)?

I don't actually have one. But it would probably be my sister or my adopted mother (whose name I can't spell).

What makes you feel most like you?

Sometimes when my room is spotlessly clean and I'm in bed with a new book, I'll feel magnificently like me. But lots of other experiences make me feel like me, too! I guess they all express a different part of me.

What do you do to center or ground yourself?

Yoga 

What time do you generally get to bed?

I go to bed grandma early because I'm an early riser.

Minimalist or hoarder?

Minimalist in training but I think definitely a hoarder right now.

Do you have a pet?  Why or why not?

I don't. I'd like a bunny and a dog and a cat, but my apartment doesn't allow pets and I cant commit to such a long-term relationship. Especially because I want the freedom to travel/move whenever I want. 

Some of my favorite recent posts from around the internet:

This American Girl: You are the Earth

The Rheel Daze: Five People Whose Successes May Make You Feel Better About the Lack of Yours

Raptitude: How Much of Your Life are You Selling Off?

Welcome to Ladyville: Ladytip: Make Friends with People who Intimidate you

Huff Po: Missing Husband (the cruelty of DOMA is unbelievable)

If any of you want to answer some of the questions in the comments or link to a favorite post (of yours or someone else's!) I'd be interested to read them

Bunny Poop Possessions: Do the Things You Own Add Value to Your Life?

"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful." 

- William Morris

I've become obsessed with the things that I own. Partly because 90% of them always end up on my floor no matter how many hours I spend cleaning so I can't help but think of them. And partly because I have started to wonder if they're weighing me down. I have started to wonder if my possessions are tying me to a place or an idea when I need more freedom than that. I wonder if my possessions are adding value to my life or taking value away.

A few weeks ago, I went through my room and decided to donate clothes I rarely wear. I wanted to be emotionally detached from the decision; I tried not to think of the times I had worn them or what those clothes represent and focus only on if I still found the item useful. If I didn't wear it on a regular basis, it had to go. I was ruthless (or so I thought) and two black bags full of clothes sat in my living room until my mom came to visit last week. She went through them looking for treasures for my older sister, but every time she held something up I started questioning my decision to it away. I ended up taking some of the stuff back, imagining all the places I would wear them too despite not having worn them for months. Did I actually need them back though? No. I had forgotten those clothes existed. I literally could not have told you what was in those bags. I did not miss them. And yet, some of them are back in my closet (or more specifically lying on my floor near my closet). 

Every morning when I wake up, the sheer volume of my closet assaults me. I like colors and interesting prints, so barely anything in my wardrobe is coordinated. It stresses me out to try and find an outfit; most of the time, I end up wearing one of three outfits I have on rotation. Normally, I try to find the simplest outfit I have, which isn't easy in a sea of unusual cuts and colors. The abundance of choice does not add value to my life; in fact, it starts to feel overwhelming. Turns out, most of the things I just had to own have not endured my changing tastes, and yet I still hold onto them because of the ideal they represent. 

Despite my aggressive cleanout session, a blue dress I ordered two sizes too small and have never worn still hangs in my closest. As does my white dress from prom my senior year of high school, which I have promised myself I will get professionally altered to wear to the kind of event I'm never invited to and have no reason to attend. I'm not sure an event that calls for an altered prom dress from four years ago exists, actually. Those clothes represent some ideal version of me that I keep imagining will show up one day and desperately need those exact items -- for balls and rides home in pumpkin coaches, I suppose. The only way I'm ever going to fit into that  blue dress is if I get some ribs removed. It's just never going to happen, but I keep hoping I might magically be two sizes smaller just because of the promise the dress holds and without any of that pesky eating well or exercising. The problem with our possessions is that we ascribe them value even when they cease to have any. It's the romantic in us, the idealist, but also the hoarder. 

I watched an episode of hoarders recently in which a man hoarded bunnies. He "loved" them, so he let them have free reign of the house. Twenty bunnies roaming and pooping all over the house. They chewed through the walls and electrical cords until the entire house became a hazard. The mans wife threatened to leave him, and still he could not part with his bunnies (or build a bunny hatch, apparently). Although pets are relationships and not possessions, the fundamental idea is the same. Too much of what we love is a bad thing; we don't have the space, emotionally or physically, to support all of those things. Often, what we think we love are actually just distractions from bigger issues: do you LOVE shopping, or do you love the thrill of the searching for a "bargain" and the search for something new? Think about your possessions as the bunnies living in your brain: every single one of them is taking up space, chewing holes through your important synapses and pooping on everything that might have value. You just can't see what's truly valuable through all the poop. (Is that enough reference to bunny poop in one paragraph? I'll stop now.)

That man didn't need those bunnies and I don't need twenty dresses in every pattern I can find. Just as he didn't love those bunnies, I don't love those dresses nor do I love myself when I insist on buying more than I need. How does loving myself tie into buying a few too many dresses?  Well, if I loved myself I would give myself the freedom to focus my attention on something other than what I'm putting on my body today (this is not to say that expressing yourself through clothing isn't important; it's just not something that's valuable to me at this point in my life). Loving myself would be giving myself the freedom to spend my money on what truly adds value to my life. Loving myself would be giving myself space to breath and a morning routine that doesn't give me anxiety. 

Isn't that a weird way to think though? We're conditioned to believe that we deserve more things. Girl, you worked hard! Buy the dress! The car you can't afford and will spend ten years paying off! The house which has so much space you'll spend years filling it with shit you don't need! The "insert every other thing that doesn't add any real value to your life here"! We have convinced ourselves that we can buy the life we most want or the version of ourselves we most want to be.

What we often consider necessities are actually distractions. Why deal with the ache in our hearts when we can just go shopping instead? The more things we have to obsess over and rearrange and worry about the less time we have to focus on ourselves. Just think, what would you do with all that space? If you got rid of all the stuff tying you down and the metaphorical bunny poop clouding your vision (last time, promise!)? You'd have a lot of time to examine yourself. You'd have to make some decision about your life and your time and your values. It's terrifying to think about in that way that true freedom sometimes is. 

What isn't adding value to your life anymore but you're resisting giving up? Does minimalism appeal to you? 

You Don't Have to Say Anything

When someone comes to you needing to talk, you don't have to offer a solution. You don't have to start any sentences with "Well, I think..." or "This is what I would do..." Your solutions can seem like a way to make their problems something you can understand and manage instead of acknowledging their feelings. They can seem like a refusal to accept that some things are beyond you, that we're all a little over our head sometimes. It's okay for their problems to be bigger than you are. In some instances, silence can say "I hear you; I feel your pain" better than words can.  

Sometimes, people don't want to hear about your life; they just want to share theirs. Listening requires a willingness to let the speaker be selfish. To just allow them to speak. Isn't that revolutionary? To really listen, instead of waiting for your chance to talk. (I know that I am always interrupting people, and they're probably not as excited about what I have to say as I am.)

You don't have to offer verbal encouragement. Sometimes, people just want to be heard. They want to talk to someone who will listen. So your encouragement can seem condescending. It can seem like you're trying to minimize what they feel. 

You don't even have to ask questions. Sometimes, all that is required of you is a nod to show your listening. A gentle touch to show that you are there with them in the midst of their pain. 

And if days later their words are still on your mind and your heart, you can reach out with words you've thought about. Words you think they truly need to hear, not because you want to say them but because they need to hear them. 

Silence can make people uncomfortable because we're so used to drowning ourselves in noise. But you know what's great about your choice to remain quiet? It allows the speaker to hear themselves. Sometimes that's enough for them to have a new understanding. 

Who is the best listener you have ever met? 

Mine is one of my closest friends (and kind-of adopted mother) whose silence used to freak me out.